Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Santa Deliver's Gifts

Just before Christmas, I was asked by "Santa" what I wanted. I replied, "Not much. Just for the Register to pick me as a contestant for the F.I.T. Challange. (There was one other wish, but I won't mention it because it doesn't apply.) Santa must of thought I was a really good girl this past year because I received both things.

Since finding out that I was accepted to partcipate in F.I.T., I have been humbled, blessed and surprised with how much support I have received from everyone. As soon as I found out, I posted the link from the Sandusky Register to my facebook. Withing the first couple minutes my facebook started "blowing up" so to speak. It shocked me at how much support and encouragment I was getting from people. I was deeply touched.

I am really excited that I am at Health and Strength Gym. The staff has been great, and really nice. The other members there that I've met while there are just amazing people. They are really encouraging and helpful.

My trainer, Ryan, has been great so far. He's been really nice, but also extreamly intense. Which is a good thing for me. I need somebody who is willing to be intense with me and not be afraid to yell at me and hurt my feelings. Knowing that my life is in his hands, and that I have to listen and be accountable to him has made me stop and rethink my decesions outside of the gym.

My family is really excited that I am finally getting the help I need to get me back to the physical shape I need to be in to live a more productive lifestyle. Its been frustrating for me not to be able to join my family and friends on fun outings because I am not capable of doing them physically.

It is going to be an intresting six months of re-learning how to live my life the right way. I have complete faith in the system and that it is going to work well. First and foremost, I know I am losing the weight for myself. However, regardless of if I win or not, I want to be able to represent my trainer, my family and friends and my employer well and not let them down.

I'll forever be greatful that Santa gave me the "gift" this year. There is nothing greater than having our health back and having more time with friends and family.

I wish the best of luck to the other contestants as well as we make this journey togather. Godspeed!

Friday, January 10, 2014

Listening To My Heart

There are songs out there that seem so fitting for certain situations in your life.  A song that makes you remember a long, forgotten memory.  A special time, place and person that is frozen in time.  Sometimes that song seems to magically have the answers that you have been searching for in life.  (Well, we know the answers, but fail to see what's in front of us sometimes.)

Admittedly, I will log on to YouTube.com  and listen to some of these songs, just to get them out of my head.  The other day, while on YouTube,  "Listen To Your Heart" by Roxette came across the play list.  It reminded me of my much younger days, and the movie "Pretty Woman" that I used to watch with my mom and sisters.  

At this particular moment in time, "Listen To Your Heart" seems so fitting in so many ways.  There are times in my life, I seem to listen to the wrong things.  I've had the tendency to listen to what others tell me about how I felt, or what I needed to do with my life.  Or I let my brain talk me out of doing something my heart really wanted.  In the end, I've been upset and miserable because I ended up listening to something that was not good for me and made me miserable. 

Although the advice, suggestions and what ever were given with good intentions, it was not something that was fitting for my life.  I had experiences that I may not have had otherwise.  Some of them, even brought me out of my comfort zone.  I am a better person having gone through this life situations.  In the end though, I knew it was the wrong choice for me and that I still had the desire to go after my original choice or plan. 

Making the transition to thinking for myself and not paying attention to what others are trying to tell me about my life is going to be hard.  Yet it is something that is necessary for me to live my life the way it needs to.  Granted, I know there are going to be times that I need to seek advice and counsel from others who are wiser than myself in certain situations.  That is a part of growing up, is admitting when we are wrong and need help. 

Right now, I just have to sift through all the different issues in my life and determine what are my true blue feelings and ideas.  What I want to keep within my life and what to toss out.  What dreams I need to focus on in life to get to where I am supposed to be in life.  I need to start focusing on the dreams and desires that I know will make me happy, and be for the greater good of everyone else. 

This is going to be a hard thing.  Yet I know that it will be worth it in the long run.  To go after my dreams and not be afraid of being held back by fear or what others are telling me.  Yes, I know there are times when I am my own worst enemy.  That bridge will have to be crossed when we get there though.  It will be worth it in the end to listen to what my heart wants.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Dining Out Alone or With Friends

Being a single lady, I find it a struggle to cook meals for myself.  Although I don't so much mind left overs, I just don't always like to make a lot of meals ahead of time, and save them for later.  Only because I hate to have the same thing over and over again.  So, I give in, a lot, and go out to eat.  Now mind you, I know it is much, much cheaper for me to stay home and eat.

There are pros and cons to eating out verses dining in.  There are days that I would rather stay home and eat and just not bother dealing with people.  While other days I just crave having something simple, like cereal for dinner or, having dinner for breakfast and don't want judged for it.  While there are days where I want to go out and eat just to be around people. 

There is one place that I love to go eat, and don't mind dining alone.  That is Ruby Tuesdays.  I LOVE that place.  The majority of the time, I will go sit at the bar, and talk with the bartender or strike up a conversation with whom ever is sitting near me.  I've met some amazing people sitting at the bar.  Sitting at a table or both alone, its not always easy to meet people dining when you dine alone. 

One of the reasons that I love going to Ruby Tuesdays, not only do I get great service from them, their healthy options for diners who are trying to control their weight is amazing.  Most other places I go is such a struggle for me, only because I am never sure what to order and I have to study the menu and ask lots of questions about what I can make changes to. 

I love to dine out with my friends.  Though I must confess, it does not happen as much as I'd like it to.  As we have gotten older, its just gotten harder to do things.  Though I know if things are important to you, you will make time for it and there is no excuse for not doing it. 

When I am with friends, my biggest fear is when they ask to sit in a booth. I get embarrassed if I am too big or can't fit at the booth because my stomach is too big.  I really hate it  if we have to be moved to sit at a table.  Most of the time I try to laugh it off as my heart breaks. I normally don't say anything to my friends because I try to make an effort to accommodate their needs as well. 

I love being with my friends and spending time with them. At the same time, there are times when I wish I could find the right person to date.  I really don't spend time with a lot of guys or date much anymore.  It would be nice to start dating again, and just be out there.  Its a little nerve wrecking at times just thinking about it.

I must admit, there is somebody that I am interested in.  This person is AMAZING and I am forever thankful that I have met them.  Despite my feelings for this person, I know there is a good chance they don't feel the same as I.  That is okay though.  I love having friends, and either way, I will be doubly blessed by having this person in my life.  They have been a great aspect and has played a huge role in my life at the present time.  For that, I'll always be thankful. 

Rather or not I eat in or out.  Alone or with others.  We all have to eat, and to learn to eat well. 

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Out With the Old, In With The New

As I sit down to begin this blog, my last blog of 2013, it is nearing mid-night on New Years Eve.  In just over two hours, it will be New Years Eve.  We'll be saying good-bye to a year of ups and downs, and make plans for a fresh new year.  Goals and resolutions will be made and forgotten about.  New friends will be made in the new year, and others will move on because life happens.

This past year has been like no other year that I have experienced at all.  Its been full of ups and downs and interesting turns and twists.  It has definitely put my heart through several types of emotions that I normally do not show in public, let alone admit to.  It has also been a year of extreme growth for me in many different ways.  

One of the biggest joys that I have witnessed this year, was going home in May and watching my youngest sister graduate from high school.  I am so proud of my sister and the path that she is on to success.  She is defiantly one of my rays of sunshine.  Believe me, there are many people who bring sunshine into my life, hers is one of the brightest.  She is one that I end up turning to when I need to share secrets with or ask certain questions when I don't know how to ask one of my friends up here. 

After returning to Sandusky after "Buddy's" graduation, I was looking at the photos I took.  It was when I came across a photo of the two of us that I realized how awful I looked as far as my size.  I knew then that I had a problem and it had to be fixed.  Yes, I know it sounds so cliche and that so many people say they didn't realize how big they were until they see a picture. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I knew I was a "BIG" girl.  I KNEW.  I just didn't want to admit it, and always had the image of me at the size I was when I was still in high school when I was active and still playing sports.  I thought I was still that girl, and could do anything I wanted.   The next day, I went to Weight Watchers and signed up with them to get my weight under control.  That in of itself was huge because I was admitting to somebody else, and that I would have to be accountable to somebody else in my weight loss journey to a healthier me. 

By far, the hardest thing that I have gone through this year was in July.  In mid-July, I had got the dreaded call that I had been expecting.  My sister called to tell me at work that my beloved Granny had died.  I was completely and utterly devastated.  It was hardest knowing that I was up here alone without any of my family around.  There was nobody to talk to or just tell them I needed a hug.  Or I should say, I didn't know how to ask for the hug.   

My Granny was one of my best friends and somebody that I talked to often.  She was always there for me as a child and was always cracking me up.  There are times now, even six months later I want to call her, and know that I can't.  I know that she is resting high on her mountain where she belongs, watching over us.  

One of the best things though that I have learned this year, is that it is okay to take care of me, and to stand up for what is right.  I've stood up to people who thought they were going to bully me into putting up with their rude, nasty behavior.  Even when it was hard, it felt good to do the right thing.  

The biggest blessings for me though this year, is the many blessings I call friends.  These friendships are priceless and I have been touched by each of the people that are present in my life and the love that I feel from them.  Some of these friends, I have known most of my life.  While others I have only known a short time.  

These friendships mean so much to me.  There are three people that I have felt comfortable enough, and confident enough in our friendship that I could finally tell them some secrets that I don't share with anybody.  It finally felt good to not have to hide anything from them, and trust somebody enough to let them in.  By telling them, I felt like I could FINALLY be myself with them and not pretend to always be okay, and appear uptight.  Well, one of them kept telling me that I had too many secrets because she could tell I was giving prepared, calculated answers and avoiding the real question with my response.  

One of the people I told was a guy.  That was a huge step for me.  Because for the first time in a very long time, I had opened myself up to being friends with a straight man.  Most, well actually, all of the guys I have spent time with in the past few years were all gay, with an exception of one person.  But that relationship no longer matters.  I know that all men are not mean, nasty, cruel or hateful.  

Its just that for the first time, I finally felt safe enough in this friendship with this man that I could be myself.  He has seen just about every emotion a person can have.  For the first time, I've even allowed a man see me cry, and that never happens.  At work even, and I try to remain in control at work!!!!   But I was upset with him, and I cared enough about the friendship to mention it, and actually hugged him at work, which is something I also do not normally do at work.  

Truth be told, these three people are ones that I care deeply about and I would do anything to keep them in my life in some way, shape or form.  God definitely blessed my heart by bringing them into my life at this point in time.  My life has been forever changed and altered because of them!  

Awhile back ago, I spent an afternoon with some ladies from work.  These three ladies I have become close with over the last year.  One of them looked at me, and mentioned that I finally looked happy.  It is true though.  I am extremely happy now in my life.  I'm finally accepting things as they currently are, and making changes on things that need fixed.  I'm not stressing out about things like I used to either.  

The other day, I was talking with a guest at work.  We were talking about the New Year approaching.  I told her that despite 13 being known as an  unlucky number, that this was a great year for me despite my Granny dying.  That also I was looking forward to 2014 being even better than what this year was. 

That is how I am going to look at it as the year goes on.  Even if there are set backs with the goals I plan on setting, there is always ways for improving and doing better.  The journey is half the battle in reaching our destination.  

Happy 2014 Everyone!

Friday, December 27, 2013

Emotional Rollercoaster

The last couple of weeks, its felt like I've been on an emotional roller coaster.  There have been a series of ups and downs that have shed lots of tears,  Tears of joy and of heartache. I don't know if its my age, or that I've learned to let myself live in the moment now, and not try to bottle things up any longer, and just my self feel what ever is there come out.  

Last week as I was coming in to work, I was a little early so I went and sat in our employee lounge for a little while.  One of the ladies that I am close to at the hotel approached me.  She had seen me the day of the 5K in my Santa outfit and all.  She came up to me, gave me a big hug and told me, "Just so you know, I am really proud of you for doing the 5K.  We all are.  I know you don't hear it often and that its nice to hear.  But I am cheering for you in your journey to lose weight."    That really meant a lot to me for somebody to come up to me and say that.  

After the initial race, and after I posted the pictures on Facebook, I received messages from people saying they were proud of me, and congratulations and such.  However, it just meant so much more that somebody would come up to me and give me that hug and hear them say, "I am proud of you."

Also in the last week, my heart broke in several pieces as I found out two people are fighting cancer.  One is a dear friend of mine that I was close to while in Wyoming.  I had spent a lot of time with he and his family while I was there.  The other is the daughter of a couple that I know.  Mind you, I don't know them all that well, but know them through work, and we have crossed paths along the way of life.  However, how can it not break your heart when you find out a little 4 year old girl has brain cancer.  

Its also been a struggle this week only because this is the first Christmas my Granny is not with us.  Surprisingly I have done really well with it.  I have acknowledged that she is gone and accepted it.  There are days its harder than others only because I want to be able to call her and tell her about all the random stuff that you can only tell your Granny and know your going to laugh at her response.  I love my Granny and miss her everyday. 

Christmas week has been special for me though this year.  I have been extremely blessed beyond belief this past year with amazing people in my life who I love dearly and would not trade for the world.  My heart has been touched deeply by these people.  I celebrated Christmas with a couple different friends the Monday before Christmas.  Even if we didn't exchange gifts, it wouldn't matter because their friendship means so much.  

These friends have become my family up here when I can't be with my own back home.  They really are the glue that holds my broken stained glass window together.  Though I know my life seems broken and beaten at times,  together with these people and the memories we share, its a beautiful picture.  One day, it will make a great story to tell.  

Thursday, December 19, 2013

My First 5K

There are a lot of things that are on my bucket list.  One of them was to participate in a 5K run/ walk.  Well, I can cross that off my list now.  On December 15, 2013, I was in my very first 5K/ Half Marathon,  The Santa Hustle.
Now, mind you, I knew going in that I was not going to be running it.  That the odds were fairly good that I was more than likely going to be one of the last people crossing the finish line.  Which I was.  However, my only goals were to finish the race and to not be dead last.  Which I was not.  
There are a lot of reasons why I signed up for this race.  First off, it was in the middle of winter, and I needed motivation to get off my ass and do something besides be a coach potatoe.  Second of all, I know I am some serious need of exercise and need to be a lot more active than what I already am.  
In my weight loss journey, I know that I need to set small goals and improve upon them.  I had nothing to go on before, and I figured that this would be a great starting point to see how I can do better in the future. 
There are many other aspects of my life that I am working on besides my eating and exercise habits.  They are all getting better and for that I am thankful.  Right now, my eating habits and exercise do seem to be the main focus of what I am trying to fix.  
My attitude and emotional state of mind need to change as well.  I have to learn to get the negative thoughts out of my mind and stop listening to all the bad things people are telling me.  One of the things that I have been doing is taking the advice of one of my Weight Watchers leaders.  Kim had told me over the summer that every time they enter my thoughts, just to think of the song, "Gives You Hell."  I had never heard the song before and had to youtube it to know what she was talking about.  It quite honestly has helped out a lot. 
I am thankful for all the ladies in Weight Watchers, and friends and family in my life who have been behind me since I have started my weight loss journey.  It has been very encouraging so far.  It has been keeping me accountable to have people in my life who remind me why I am doing this when I want to give up. 
Right, now, I am debating on when and where I want to do my next 5k and see how much I can improve on my time and placement.  Its exciting to see the results and meet different people.   

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Being Thankful

Another Thanksgiving is upon us this year!  This year, so much has happened, and I am reminded once again to count the many blessings in my life. 

So often, we tend to focus on the negative aspects in life that we forget to be thankful for the many gifts that are bestowed upon us, no matter how small they may seem to be.  This year, there have been a series of events that have caused me to be even more thankful for the great things that I do have.
In July, my world came crashing down to almost a stand still when my Granny passed away without getting to say good-bye to her.  She was an amazing woman and made an everlasting impact on my life that will never be forgotten.  When I hear the song, "I Am Your Angel" by R. Kelly and Celine Dion, sometimes it seems as if Granny is telling me that she is still here on earth with me, and that brings me great comfort.
This year, however, I have gotten to know some people through work who have made all the difference in my life, in where I am at.  They have helped me get out of my depression and have lifted my spirits beyond belief.  They are really special people who I'll be forever grateful for. 
They have inspired me to be a better person, to reach for my dreams and go after what I want and desire.  To stop putting myself last, and that I do deserve putting myself first.  Its not a matter of being selfish, its a matter of taking care of myself so that I can care for those that I love and care about.
All the small blessings that I have actually turned into a huge blessing.  Of all the things that I am most thankful for this year, is the love and friendship of those who are in my life.  No matter how often I get to speak or talk to those I care about, they will always be important to me, and I'll pray for them always.  Its these people that make my life worth living.
Though the negative spots in my life happened, they don't make up my whole life.  We live through it and learn from them.  Good things always come bad experiences and we grow from them.  That's what makes us stronger.  I know I'm a better person because of the life experiences I've had. 

Friday, November 22, 2013

Missing Out On Memories


For well over ten years now, I have worked for Cedar Fair Entertainment. It has been an amazing journey working for a company that has provided me with many great friends, memories and experiences that I otherwise would not have been provided.

Like the roller coasters at Cedar Point, my weight-loss journey has had its ups and downs. It has been a huge struggle for me. When I first started working for Cedar Point, I easily fit on the roller coasters, and had a ball enjoying the day in the park with family and friends when they would come up and visit.

Now, when family and friends come to the park, I am on the sidelines watching kids or belongings while others are riding coasters. I do my best to pretend that it doesn't bother me that I'm missing out on the fun stuff. Its been so long since I've been on an actual coaster, Millennium Force was new.

I am at the point in my life now, that I no longer want my weight to be the reason I am not getting invited to go do things with family and friends. I don't want them to be embarrassed by me, nor for me if strangers should say something to me.

The last few months I've been doing better about making better choices in my journey to getting healthy. I have been making better food choices in my diet. I've also started doing a lot more walking and being more active instead of sitting behind the computer or watching T.V. Even though I'll be walking it, I have signed up to participate in the Santa Hustle 5K that Cedar Point's Castaway Bay will be hosting in December.

Exercise has been a challenge for me as I am no longer sure of what I am able to do. I need professional help in getting in better shape from somebody who knows what they are doing. I know the best thing about getting in shape is that I am going to be healthy and will feel better about myself.

However, the best gift would be able to join family and friends when they participate in sports and play at Cedar Point. I'd also be able to tell the guests I interact with at Cedar Point how much fun all the coasters are instead of telling them I have not been on all of them yet. It is my hope that a smaller me would provide me with many more years, memories and friendships.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Those Who Have Helped Shape Me

There are people from our childhood who have helped to shape us into the people we turn in to as adults.  These influential people may not always know they are shaping us, while others purposely do.   Most of  those who do shape us in our early years, are family. 
One of the people from my childhood who has helped make me the person I am today is my Uncle Danny.  Danny was loved by everyone who knew him and was kind without a reason to those around him.  He loved his family and friends unconditionally. 
For the record, Danny was born with Down Syndrome.  Growing up around my uncle knowing he was different taught me a lot of things about life.  My siblings, cousins and I all knew that Danny was born different than others.  Yet that didn't matter to us.  We accepted him for who he was and loved him regardless.
For myself, knowing the my uncle was special, I learned how to be patient with others and took my time listening to what he had to say and was gentle with this loveable man.  Because of my uncle, I've learned to be patient with others who are in my life now and listen to what they are saying. 
Being around him as a child and knowing he couldn't allows communicate with us in ways he wanted, I had to take the time to stop and actually pay attention to his body language and what his heart was saying.  This has helped me quite a bit later as I realized that people in life are so called, "normal," don't always say what their feeling because they don't know how to say it out loud. 
Although Danny was not trying to shape me into the adult that I am now, his imprint is forever upon my heart forever.  I cherish and remember the memories that I have with one of the men I have loved the most in my life. 
The last month of Danny's life was difficult for me.  He spent the better part of his last month in ICU at Wake Forest University Hospital in North Carolina where the doctors did all they could to make him comfortable and help him.  Spending the night in ICU with him was one of the best things I could have done for him because he was always there looking out for me as a child.  Granted, it was hard to see him tied up to so many gadgets. 
Late at night, I would sit there holding his hand, talking to him, telling him stories about what I had been up too since I'd last seen him. It was almost as if time had stopped for a moment in time and we were back to when I was little again and we were talking.  My Granny always said that what he and I shared was special.  I'm thankful for the time I spent with him during our time together. 
Despite the loss of my beloved uncle, I am forever grateful for all the time that I had him in my life and the impact he had on it.  Danny is the reason that I have learned to bite my tongue, be patient and have tried my best at loving others regardless of their shortcomings.  I always try to look for the good in others because of my uncle because that is what Danny did. 

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Short Encounters With Inspiring People

There are people who cross our paths, and forever change the course of our lives.  It is unknown how long these people will remain within our circle.  Sometimes these people are there for just a small fraction of time, while others are there permanently. 
There is a gentleman that I met one year while I was working a second job for the holidays.  This person over the course of a couple months had soon become one of my most favorite people in the world.  He has touched my life in many ways I'll never forget. 
Though we didn't talk about deep, personal issues, we had conversations that I had not had with others.  It felt nice to have good, casual conversations about things with somebody.  This man had inspired me to do things I had once gave up on in my life.  It felt like he believed in me when I had given up on myself. 
I'll always and forever for the brief time that I had spend talking with and working for this man.  He is amazing and inspiring.  I'll always feel blessed that I had the chance to know him. 

Saturday, November 16, 2013

The Past Does Not define Me, It only Makes me Stronger

There are things in life, that can not always be explained as to why they happened.  They just do, and there is nothing that can be done about those situations, and let it be. There are also people who enter our lives, and some, we don't always know the impact they've had on us until long after they are gone.  While others, we know almost right away the impact they have.
Five years ago, I was living in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.  Its by far, the most wonderful place in the world to me.  The people I had the pleasure of meeting and spending time with during those two magical years are amazing and have touched my grateful heart for eternity.  I'll always love them and cherish the memories I hold of them. 
With that being said, I have to say this because it may explain so much.  The summer of 2008, I had met a British gentleman whom I had become very close with.  He quickly became my best friend and we formed a bond that I had not felt with many other of my friends. 
When September came, his contract was up, and he flew back home.  Having worked in the tourist industry for many years in Ohio, I was used to seasonal jobs, and making friends for a short time, before they would leave. However, when it was time for The Boy to leave, it affected me in ways I was not used to. I'm not good at good-byes, and hate saying them, which is why I almost always try to get out of saying them.  Except with him, even went to the airport with him just to get a few last moments, which is something I had never done with another friend before. 
In the weeks that followed, though I missed my friend, I made myself available for volunteer opportunities in town, and tried to keep myself busy so I would not have to think about that my friend being on the other side of Atlantic Ocean.
Not long after The Boy left, something had happened between myself and another employee of the company.  Though the two of us did not work together, we had to interact with each other on a regular basis, almost daily in fact.  When it happened, it quite literally changed my life and I knew that things would never be the same for me again after that. 
For quite awhile, I had let that one moment in time control what I did.  What I said and did were all purposeful and carefully done and said.  I pulled myself away from all close interactions with people and tried to stay in group settings in public.  Essentially, I had let that one moment, define me when I know it should not have.
Despite my willingness to stay in Jackson Hole with my new friends, there was something pulling me out and forcing my back to Ohio.  As unwilling as I was to leave, now I am grateful that I did because there were things that have happened since, that I know had I stayed, I never would have been able to forgive myself had I missed it. 
After the death of my beloved uncle, who deserves a different blog, I took my old job back at the amusement park I had worked for in the past.   When I first came back, I didn't get close to a lot of people because I was not sure how long I was staying in town.  Wasn't sure if it was just for the summer, or if I'd be staying longer. 
The longer I have stayed, the more willing I have been to letting people in and actually forming relationships/ friendships with them. Its been a slow process in letting them in.  However, I must say, especially the last several months, it has been a true blessing to have certain people in my life.  These people, and the positive impact they have had on my life, has been a true blessing to me. 
Because of these people, and the friendships I've formed with them, I've been a much happier person.  I have been truly more dedicated to becoming the person I've always wanted to be and making progress and making improvements in my life.  For the first time since The Boy left, and the incident with the other guy, I have truly felt happy and not let those things consume me.  Those two things are not what defines me, its the person I am and how I continue to live my life from this moment on.
I've learned from these experiences, that I am a wonderful person despite my past.  That I can overcome anything, no matter what my past is and how awful some things are in it.  That I am also worth fighting for, even if others don't see just how great I am. 
I don't know why what happened that night did.  However, its done and over with and in the past.  Its a mere scar that eventually will fade all together.  There are other, more positive people in my life and experiences that have replaced the bad ones that heavily over shadow all the bad things.  Granted, the bad has helped make me to be a better, strong person more willing to fight back.  Yet its just a small fraction of who I am. 

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Being Happy for Once

Many people have come in and out of my life.  Each person has touched my life in some form or another.  I am grateful for the contribution that they have made to help make me be the lady that I am today.  Great or small, good or bad, all the lessons and impact have been very valuable lessons that I've needed to learn. 
This afternoon, I had lunch with some pretty amazing ladies from work.  These ladies are great influences on my life, and I pray that I become even a quarter of the lady that they are.  Their grace, integrity and dignity are truly noteworthy.  I feel really blessed to know each of them. 
Its not just these three ladies though that have touched upon my heart.  Over the course of the past year, There are people that have come into my life, that have deeply touched me and inspired me to be a much better person in every way.  Like love, I wasn't looking for these people.  They just kind of fell into place.  I guess it was God's way of knowing who needed to be in my life at this point in time. 
There are a couple people whose personal stories have touched me deeply enough that they have inspired me greatly.  One of  whom has inspired me to do better at changing my diet so that I can be healthy physically while other has inspired me with my spiritual life. 
These people have all changed my life in ways they may not know.  I'm forever grateful for the impact that they have had on my life.  They are life changers and ones that will never forget.  I care deeply about them and hope nothing but good things for each of these people.  Even if something were to happen and our paths don't cross again, I'll always be thankful for them. 
One of the people I had lunch with today, said she noticed that I was much happier.  It is true.  I am much happier these days.  Its because of the people who have come into my life and positive role they have played in my life. 
No longer am I letting the bad stuff influence my life. I've been taking great stride in getting rid of all the bad stuff in my life, no matter how hard it is.  The easy road is not an option any longer because I know that its for my own good that I challenge myself and work through the pain instead of running from it. 

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Learniing from Mistakes

There are times in our lives when we make decisions that will affect the rest of our lives.  Decisions that are both good and bad.  We may not always see the full reflection of those consequence's, but sometimes we do, even if it is at a much later time. 
The reason that I say this is because a few years ago, I had made a very bad decision in the midst of grief.  It is a decision that I am not proud of at all, and am deeply embarrassed by.  This decision has come back to haunt me, during a time when I have been trying to make better, more positive changes within my life.
There are many things that I can do.  However, I plan on tackling this issue and then moving past it.  Its better to face the issue instead of pretending that it didn't happen and learning from the experience. 
I know that in this instance, that it was something that happened as poor decision making  due to the amount of stress and grief I was going through at that particular time in my life.  However, at that time, I also knew that it was a bad decision and quickly removed myself from the situation immediately afterwards. 
I may never see the two people affected again in my life.  I have tried to make amends to one of them and begged forgiveness for my actions.  The other person, I am not sure if we will ever be in touch again.  However, its done and over with.  Its a situation that I have learned from and have to chalk it up to life experience and forgive myself for doing such a horrible thing. 
God is the only one who can judge me for my actions and I've talked with him about this on many occasion.  Talking with him is the best thing that I could do because He is the best listener that I know.  It is my hope and prayer that HE can bring closure and healing to myself and the others involved and that we all come out of this better people  and have peace and happiness.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Santa Hustle 5K

For a long time, I have had the desire to run a 5K, or at least participate in one.  Wanted to prove to myself, and everyone else that I could do it.  Mostly, it was for myself that I wanted to see if I could do it.  However, I have kept putting it off because I was never comfortable with where I was at with my weight, and didn't want to be judged. 
A few months back, I came across a website that advertised The Santa Hustle Half Marathon/ 5K in Sandusky, Ohio.  It happens to be held and sponsored in part by the company that I work for.  After much thought, and kind of on a whim one night, I went ahead and signed up for the 5K part of the race. 
It wasn't until afterwards, that I started to wonder, "What have I done?"  Yes, by competing in the 5K, I know that there is a really good chance, that I am going to be the last participant to cross the finish line.  I know that most people will most likely judge me because I am no where near the size I should be at and am just a "fat girl." 
However, by signing up now, and aiming to get healthier, it is giving me motivation to do better and to stay on track at losing the much needed weight that I have.  I am not signing up for any other reason than to set a baseline of where I am at now, and to set goals to do better in the future.  Because there will be more 5K's that I do, and hopefully longer ones as I get smaller.  Who knows, maybe one day I will be able to compete in a half or whole marathon. 
Yes, I will admit, I am nervous and scared about what people may say about the "fat girl" being in the race.  I am also scared that I am going to trip and fall, and possible slip on ice if the weather is bad.  However, that is one fear that I have to get over because I know in the long run, what people think of me won't matter.  It only matters what I think of myself and that I know what I am capable of and what I can do.  Because I know that I am worth fighting for, and that I matter.  Even if nobody else believes in me and what I am doing.
I don't expect any of this to be easy.  It is supposed to be hard.  The hardest part for me is to get rid of the "I Can't" and have more faith in myself. That one day will be able to change, and for that, I am thankful.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Lack of Maternal Instinct's

As little girls, most dream of getting married one day, and having children.  They play house and pretend they have a handsome husband with perfect children who are the quarterback of the team, and a princess for a daughter.  As adults, if their lives are as perfect as they dreamt as children, they believe all should have as they do. 
When I was growing up, I didn't think so much about having a family.  I was thinking of having a job/ career that I loved.  I didn't really factor in the husband, especially not the children.  The husband I could possibly have was fantasized about many more times than children.  Especially after my junior year in high school. 
Fast forward about twenty years later, I am a middle-aged lady with no kids, and no husband.  Yet, I am happy with that.  I am satisfied with my life.  Yes, there are things I am improving in my life to make it better. 
What bothers me the most about the "cookie cutter" families, are the ones where I'm told that I need to have kids and it will help me to be a better person.  That I am selfish because at my age, I should be married with kids by now.  Was even told once that I was going to hell because I had no husband or kids!!  Really?!?!?!?!?! 
These people don't know me nor do they know my story.  Yet they judge me for something I don't have, quite frankly, I don't want.  Well, the kids, I defiantly don't want.  The husband I am not going to so no to if I have the right one.  They also tell me I will change my mind if I find the right guy.  Um, no.  That's not going to happen.  My husband, if I ever have one, is the only person I want to take care of. 
Today, I had to get up early for work.  For the life of me, I can not stand getting up early.  Hate it with a passion.  Was telling a lady I know my displeasure of having to get up.   Her reply was, "Well, when you have your kids you say your not having, you'll be up everyday."  I looked at her irritated and reminded her I was NEVER having kids. 
IT really irritates me that people assume all females want children and a family in general.  It shouldn't be assumed at all.  We all know what are capabilities and limits are in life.  Granted, I know, sometimes we don't even know.  There are times we are stronger than we believe ourselves to be.
However, I know for certain, that I am not one of the women in this world that wants, needs or desires to ever have children.  There are other families for that.  I can love my nieces and nephews and other little people in my family because I'll not be having any of my own.   
There are many other ways to "play house."  My version does not involve children.  I personally, would appreciate it if others did not pass judgment on me for the decisions that I've made in that area of my life.  There are certain aspects of my life that are set in stone and will not be swayed, and that is one of them.  Others should respect those decisions I've made for MY life.