Over the coarse of the last several months, my trainer and I have been having conversations that I need to start acting like a normal person. That I need to stop saying things like, "I couldn't do that before!," When I would tell him about an activity or something I had done outside of the gym. It needs to get to a point in my life that I am not comparing my life before and who I am now.
Finding my new normal, is hard. It is an adjustment. I want and need to feel normal in my current body. I love the person that I have become. Yet I wonder as I sit here tonight, I can not help but wonder, "How do I love me, and let go of my past self, while appreciating the struggles I have overcome while embracing the stronger person still inside for the world to see?"
I have been an overweight lady for so long, it is all I remember. That lifestyle and way of thinking is hard to overcome. Deep inside of me, I know that I need to get rid of those old habits and thoughts as they are hindering my progress towards the future I want and desire.
There are a couple things that I can think of that I know needs improvement on my part. The biggest thing is that I need to learn to open up to people. I need to learn to talk to those loved ones when I am hurting, struggling or when they have done something to hurt me. At some point I need to verbalize this in a healthy way so the relationship can be maintained and I no longer push that person away.
There are some days I am so confused that I don't know if I need a hug and a really good cry, or if I just need a super hard workout to get all my aggression out. Perhaps I need all of it together. Right now, I know there is a lot of bottled up energy and aggression. It is not healthy to internalize it and bottle up it up again to the point where I start eating my feelings.
The other thing that I need to focus on, is loving and accepting myself. Respecting myself enough to move on past mistakes, forgive them and move on in a more positive, productive way. This way, I can be a much better reflection of who I want to be, and hopefully be a great reflection of those who have helped me to get where I am today.
Figuring out my new lifestyle, my new normal is more challenging than I thought. Letting go of the girl I was to become an even more amazing person is a challenge. I know that old girl is dead and I need to let go because she has not part of my future. My future self is waiting and is excited about the possibilities to come with the plans I have today for us.